In Response to Your Personal Ad

This was originally written for my myspace blog, but several people liked it, so I thought I would post it over here too...

I love craigslist. It's awesome way to waste ten minutes when I need a break from work, and people are hilarious. Every once in awhile, though, people write the most inane bullshit and I just want to whack them over the head. Today was such a day. I saw a m4w post with the two questions in the ad:
"What does a guy have to do to find a female date in Boise??"
"...are there any serious women in Boise who really, REALLY want a serious, loving, romantic, and thoughtful man to spend their time with"?
It was too funny not to answer, and while I don't want to encourage the dummy by responding to his post, I would like to answer his questions, so it's going in my own blog:
The answer is yes, there are, Mr. Moron, but that's not what you're looking for. You complain about how no one is interested, well, let's just look at the population you've narrowed it down to:
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that any Boise area woman will do. The population of the area is around 200,000. The female population is a mere 95,000. You're lucky, the median age for the city is 35.2, right in your range. But if we calculate your criterion of 30-45, we're cut down to about 21,000 women. The female population that is over 15 and married in this state is about 57 percent. That cuts your number down to about 9,000 women. Let's assume that about half of these women are in a relationship of some sort or aren't looking for "a serious meaningful relationship" right now. That leaves you with about 4,500 women. You further specify "thin" which presumably means smaller than average. Well, as luck would have it, about 67% of the population in Ada County, between 25-50 is overweight. This leaves about 1,035 women. But this just sorts out the "overweight" women. You don't want an average girl either, so we need to narrow your criterion down to thin, probably cutting the first standard deviation off the bell curve, at about 26%. Now you're down to 765 women. Oh but wait, you can't be with a smoker either. About 26% of women in your specified age range smoke. This leaves you with 567 women. And yet, there's more (are you getting worried yet?). You also specify that you need a women who isn't too critical of herself or you. As a conservative estimate, let's just say that 30% of the female population has some kind of issue with self esteem, behavioral health, or hey, maybe she's just a nitpicker and will be mean to you. Part of the reason this is a conservative estimate is because Idaho has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation, ranging around 17%. If we presume that people are depressed without successfully attempting suicide, there has to be around 15% of those. This drops you down to about 397 women. An outdoorsy girl? Well, that shouldn't be too hard to find in Idaho. My guess would be about 80 percent of the population enjoys that kind of thing, so, you still have about 317 women. God, why can't you get a date? But, oh, wait, you don't want anyone who has baggage from her last relationship. Are you kidding? With the rate of sexual assault and/or sexual violence now approaching one in four women in the U.S., you're already down to about 238 women. My guess is you'd be lucky to find half of these remaining women without emotional baggage, possibly, if they've never had a relationship before in their lives, and even then (or maybe especially then), I would assume some issues. So, now you're down to 119 women. And here's the weird part, you suddenly say that you want a woman who can get up early and stay up late. To be honest, I'm not old enough to be in your age range, but even being as old as I am precludes me from staying up late and getting up early. Maybe there are some freaky people out there who don't need sleep or maybe I'm confused about this requirement, but nevertheless, it's odd. But if we assume that some people hate mornings, and some people are early to bed people, and maybe just some people can do both, you've definitely cut down to about 60 women with this weird-ass criterion. Oh wait! You have a dog, accounting for allergies or asthma, which knocks off at least 10% of the population: 54 women. Then there are women like me, who don't like animals, so, let's say another 10%, pushing it to 49 women. My guess is only about 10 percent of the population ever hangs out in the m4w section of craigslist, so pretty much, you have the possibility of finding 5 women in this area. Now, just as an FYI, most women don't have to do the hunting. Men come wandering over to us all the time and ask us out, buy us drinks, and generally try to get into our pants. Therefore, the possibility of one of those 5 women wandering over to your ad, and then being willing to put up with your blatant stupidity about why you can't get a date and your random ass criteria over who you will date… Well, just don't make any dinner plans for two in the near future.